I do not know why I have decided to begin writing again, especially after such a long hiatus. I just need to get this all out there, for someone to see it, to read it.
A brief overview before I continue. I just recently completed my fourth year at the University of Wisconsin, Madison where I study Political Science and International Studies. I will be graduating in the Spring of 2016 and am very much ready to be done with college, at least for awhile as Grad School may yet be in my future. I am currently living in Northern WI in my hometown which shall remain anonymous for now, but I am with my family and friends and am very happy to be home for the summer.
Now, the point of this blog and the reason for the dismal title. My girlfriend of 1 year, 9 months, and 2 days recently ended our relationship and I am just completely and utterly lost. She says that there was nothing specific that I did wrong, and that there was just something missing from our relationship that caused it. She won't say what that missing piece is, and perhaps she does not know herself. All I know is that I am in agony.
I will be the first to admit that I made mistakes in our relationship, I placed myself and my needs ahead of her and our relationship. I knew that she was never thrilled by it, and yet I continued to do it. My constant search of employment after college and preparing for the real world blinded me. It was all I focused on, and I fear I did real damage to our relationship because of that.
I took our relationship for granted on so many levels. I always assumed that she would be one phone call away from coming over to my place for some food, a movie, or just to cuddle and fall asleep together in each others arms. Now that is over. I am living on my own next year, with no roommates and most of my friends from school have now graduated and moved onto bigger and better things. I was okay with this development up until last week. I assumed that she would still be there, still around, still loving me and I her. But no longer, and I fear that I am in for a very lonely existence at school in my final year, which scares me to no end.
I always thanked god that I stumbled across her, and truly believed that our relationship would continue to grow. I will admit that I am not the greatest looking man in the world, nor have the greatest personality. I considered the fact that I found this one girl who wanted to spend time with me, love me, care about my dreams, wants, and desires a miracle. She knew how crazy and silly I can get sometimes and yet she embraced it with her own silliness. I loved every minute of it.
Now I do not know what to do. As a romantic companion and the woman I loved, she is gone. She still wants to be friends with me, spend time and all, and as much as I want that, I do not know how I will be able to transition from a loving partner to a platonic friend. I know that I do not want to lose her, and I also do not want to replace her. I love her, I think I always will, and I feel that I will never be able or want to find another woman in this world to replace that love. I fear that this ideal will keep me from finding another person, maybe a person that I am truly meant to be with in this world.
This pain is so real, so raw. I have never felt anything like this before mentally and emotionally. I'm breaking down daily, small things set me off and before long I am crying my eyes out. Part of me wishes that she had done something to cause this separation, something that I could be mad at and instead of sad I could be angry. I like angry, it gives me direction, inspires me to be better, and allows me to cast off the rest of my emotions. Instead all I feel is loss and sadness and I do not when that feeling will ever go away.
It would also be better if there had a been a specific reason for the separation. Something concrete that she used as an example for why we could no longer be together. A "missing piece" doesn't help me, I can't fix that, especially because she says that there is probably nothing I could do to fill that hole, whatever it may be.
So now I am left here, emotionally broken. I get up in the morning and place a nice facade of happiness over the agony. But it's still there, and I feel that it always will be.
I do not expect comments of sympathy or whatnot. I just needed to get this out there for someone to read, someone who may have had a similar situation in the past.
